Why?

Why can I not say, "Putris na buhay ito!" when I mean "putris talaga ang buhay na ito"?

Why can I not utter that four-letter word when I am pissed off?

Why can I not believe that this is a damnable world when I really feel that way?

Why?

Okay, I am supposed to be a self-actualized humanoid because I am a Christian and I studied Bible in a seminary.

I always tell myself: "Behave, Pablo! You are supposed to be a role-model, remember? You cannot call this life a shit even if the urge for you to say that is extremely strong. You have to pent up your emotion. You have to wear a camouflage. You have to fake yourself. The Sprite tag line, ‘magpakatotoo ka’ is not for you."

Oh, some of you might say, "You should not feel that way! You are a Christian. There must be joy in you if you are a Christian."

Bluff!

Don’t give me that baloney! You are not being true to yourself! I am sure that there were times that you felt this way too. Depression is very human. Depression is as real as pain. Depression is as tangible as my next meal.

You know what I don’t like with some christians? Some christians are so unreal. They live in the world of make-believe. They are so contrite. They don’t recognize their negative feelings! Escapist scums!

On the other hand, suffering is the real thing. Suffering is positive. Joy is just a negation of sufferings.

You negate your problems by looking for solutions. You miss your wife? That’s what is positive. You feel it. You negate it by calling her.

But these solutions are just paliative. Temporal.

Permament answer?

Ahimsa.

To be in the state of non-existence.

But we cannot do that! Our drives tell us that we cannot just surrender this damnable existence called life. These drives tell us that aiming for non-existence is cowardice. We have to fight!

But it will be a futile fight! Just an act in futility.

We just have to bear the sufferings. We have to accept that we are condemned here not to death but to life.

What a sad fate for mankind a whole!