These past three months or so, so many bad things happened to me. :-)
I got so depressed because of this that I feel like life is so worthless. I had this feeeling that i am a failure.
It was one of the lowest points in my life. It seems like I didn’t have the desire and the drive to live.
It was the result of so many setbacks, misfortunes, etc.
I had to travel back to Cambodia last January and when I reach Cambodia I don’t even have one dollar in my pocket. How will I survive without money? I don’t want to stay at my friends’ house because I was really depressed and I I am sure that my relationship with them will turn sour because of my depression. So, I decided to live alone.
That was just one of my cares then.
Now, it is Khmer New Year. And I am bent on changing my belief, my world view. I no longer want to live in negativism. I want to have positive outlook in life. I will fight on. I will win in this game called life. There are so many things I need to do to win in this game.
First, I need to earn more money.
Now, I am teaching in a school that pays me 7USD per hour. WIth this, I am supposed to be getting 500 - 600 USD per month. But because I teach the highest level in General English Program in our school there were a lot ot times that my students were absent. And if my students were absent, then, I won’t be paid. It’s like this. Lower level classes in our school have a lot of students. But as the level of classes go up so is the number of student. There is even one class that I only have one student. And if that student is absent, then, I won’t be paid for that particular class in that particular day. So, last pay day I only got 210USD. And, I can’t survive with this little amount. I need to find more money.
Few days ago, I talked to someone in the administration and asked if i can be given 6 classes per day. He said that he will see what he can do.
Though, I think that I still I need to look for more teaching jobs. Next week, after Khmer New Year I will visit two more schools to submit my CV and credentials. And I can only keep my fingers crossed. If my present school can’t give me more classes then I hope I can teach in more schools.
Please pray for me.
I will try to update you as soon often as I can.
Thank you very much for feeling with me.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Bacteria Galore
Here it is.
Since my budget nowadays is limited, I’ve decided not to eat at upscale restaurants. Instead, I inhabit cheap eateries which is similar to Philippines’ Turo-Turo. There is one eatery that I frequent. They serve cheap food. The ambience is… well… less to be desired. But I reasoned out that I am going there only to fill up my tummy. I don’t have any complaint with that eatery and its owner. In fact, they became my friends. Very good friends indeed.
My bizaare experience started when I decided once to buy cooked food from foodstalls one can find along main streets.
I bought a chunk of roasted pork. I asked the vendor how much is it and he told me that it costs 3,000riel. That’s cheap! 3,000riel is around 75 U.S. cents.
My frustration came when he picked up that chunk of pork using his bare hand! Wait! What if that guy just scratched his… Gosh!
In my disgust, I abruptly left the stall without saying any word.
I transferred to a food stall which is around 100 meters away from the stall I first approached. I ordered rice and sausage (very similar to Philippine Longganiza). To my dismay, the vendor picked up the gastronomic sausage using her bare hands! I wasn’t able to help myself, so, I violently told her as I turn my back to leave, “Can you not use a plastic to pick that up? Or maybe use a serving spoon!”
I ended up eating nothing for dinner.
This morning, i decided to buy Nompao (similar to Philippine Siopao, a bread with meat as filling) for my breakfast. I can see the steam coming out from the steamer. Nice! I ordered two. Shock of all shocks! The vendor picked up Nompao using her bare hand!
Wow! Now, I know why mortarity is very high in Cambodia. I wish the government and civic groups will focus in educating Khmer how to handle food properly.
Enough of this for the moment. I need to visit a drugstore to buy Zentel (a drug to annhilitate parasites in one’s body).
Ciao!
Since my budget nowadays is limited, I’ve decided not to eat at upscale restaurants. Instead, I inhabit cheap eateries which is similar to Philippines’ Turo-Turo. There is one eatery that I frequent. They serve cheap food. The ambience is… well… less to be desired. But I reasoned out that I am going there only to fill up my tummy. I don’t have any complaint with that eatery and its owner. In fact, they became my friends. Very good friends indeed.
My bizaare experience started when I decided once to buy cooked food from foodstalls one can find along main streets.
I bought a chunk of roasted pork. I asked the vendor how much is it and he told me that it costs 3,000riel. That’s cheap! 3,000riel is around 75 U.S. cents.
My frustration came when he picked up that chunk of pork using his bare hand! Wait! What if that guy just scratched his… Gosh!
In my disgust, I abruptly left the stall without saying any word.
I transferred to a food stall which is around 100 meters away from the stall I first approached. I ordered rice and sausage (very similar to Philippine Longganiza). To my dismay, the vendor picked up the gastronomic sausage using her bare hands! I wasn’t able to help myself, so, I violently told her as I turn my back to leave, “Can you not use a plastic to pick that up? Or maybe use a serving spoon!”
I ended up eating nothing for dinner.
This morning, i decided to buy Nompao (similar to Philippine Siopao, a bread with meat as filling) for my breakfast. I can see the steam coming out from the steamer. Nice! I ordered two. Shock of all shocks! The vendor picked up Nompao using her bare hand!
Wow! Now, I know why mortarity is very high in Cambodia. I wish the government and civic groups will focus in educating Khmer how to handle food properly.
Enough of this for the moment. I need to visit a drugstore to buy Zentel (a drug to annhilitate parasites in one’s body).
Ciao!
Spiritual Dryness
I am reminded of Saul’s experience when “God departed from him”. I guess Saul was wanting to be near God. He tried to draw close to God. Though he felt that God had turned a deaf ear on him. Well, we know the reason. Sin separates us from God. This past few weeks I’ve tried to spend more time with God. Read His word. Talked to Him in prayers. But it seems the connection was not there. Of course, we should not depend on feelings.
I know that there is something wrong. I know for sure that my fellowship with God is not in the right tract.
Anyway, I’ve decided to be persistent in my pleadings to God. Even though the feeling is not there. Even though He seems so far away. I can only hope and pray that He will turn to me and hear my cry. I hope that the feeling will come back again.
I know that there is something wrong. I know for sure that my fellowship with God is not in the right tract.
Anyway, I’ve decided to be persistent in my pleadings to God. Even though the feeling is not there. Even though He seems so far away. I can only hope and pray that He will turn to me and hear my cry. I hope that the feeling will come back again.
Bumming Around
I am jobless here in Cambodia. No involvement in any organization or cause. I spend most of my time inside my room. In short, I am a bum.
So many people broached the idea that I should just go back to the Philippines. Well, it may seem plausible. It will be a good opportunity for me to see doctors for my ailments. At present, I am limping because of my right foot.
But my decision is not to leave Cambodia. As you see, I already submitted my CV to almost 35 schools. If I will go back to the Philippines all my efforts (typing and photocopying application letters and CV, mailing application letters, CVs and credentials to schools in the provinces, handcarrying my application letters to schools here in Phnom Penh) in applying to these schools will just go to waste.
For me, going back to the Philippines is tantamount to accepting defeat. And I am not sure if I can take that. And if that will happen there will be a big possibilty for me to wallow in self-pity thinking that I’ve been a failure once again.
Mind you, it is not easy to be here without work. Before, I’ve experienced not to eat for 5 days. And I am willing to experience the same again just to overcome the feeling that I’ve failed once again.
I am reminded of a poem “Don’t Quit” and I recite that poem every now and then. The poem goes like this :
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit;
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
So many people broached the idea that I should just go back to the Philippines. Well, it may seem plausible. It will be a good opportunity for me to see doctors for my ailments. At present, I am limping because of my right foot.
But my decision is not to leave Cambodia. As you see, I already submitted my CV to almost 35 schools. If I will go back to the Philippines all my efforts (typing and photocopying application letters and CV, mailing application letters, CVs and credentials to schools in the provinces, handcarrying my application letters to schools here in Phnom Penh) in applying to these schools will just go to waste.
For me, going back to the Philippines is tantamount to accepting defeat. And I am not sure if I can take that. And if that will happen there will be a big possibilty for me to wallow in self-pity thinking that I’ve been a failure once again.
Mind you, it is not easy to be here without work. Before, I’ve experienced not to eat for 5 days. And I am willing to experience the same again just to overcome the feeling that I’ve failed once again.
I am reminded of a poem “Don’t Quit” and I recite that poem every now and then. The poem goes like this :
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit;
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
Tres Gang
I met three filipinos in Poipet. Pastor JPB, Miss J and Pastor D.
Pastor JPB was a missionary of a reputable international sending mission organization. Pastor D was a missionary too but his testimony suffered because of several wrong doings. I and Pastor JPB because close because he sought for my advice and help regarding Pastor D. Pastor D’s problem with alcoholism and gambling became obvious. I will not delve on this matter because this is not my focus in this write up.
On same year Miss J visited the Bible School where I was teaching looking for fellow missionary. Mind you, my first impression with Miss J was that she’s a giver. She brought me to the market and she bought fruits for me. She even gave me a “love gift” of around one hundred baht (approximately 4USD).
Once I visited Pastor JPB in Poipet and he brought me to a casino in Poipet to show me what is happending inside. Incidentally, he has a two meal coupons for a buffet meal in the casino.
It was where I met members of the Tres Gang. Tres Gang is, according to JPB, is an international gang which is all over south east asia. Reports say that their financier is Malaysian. And, Miss J was a member of that gang. Later on, Pastor D also became a member of the said gang and he changed his name to George. I also met in Poipet some more members of the gang. They are actually based in Bangkok but they frequent casinos in Poipet. Their modus operandi is that a lady member of the gang will befriend a caucasian tourist in Bangkok. Afterwards, she will invite the tourist to her house. A male member of the gang will be at her house and she will introduce him to the tourist as her brother. They will play cards inside the house. At first, they will let the tourist win. Then, through game manipulation the caucasian will loose all the succeeding games and all the money and all valuables he’s carrying. Then, a bunch of male members of the gang will arrive. And the girl will introduce them to the tourist as her relatives. Of course, the caucasian will give all that he has out of fear.
Pastor JPB was a missionary of a reputable international sending mission organization. Pastor D was a missionary too but his testimony suffered because of several wrong doings. I and Pastor JPB because close because he sought for my advice and help regarding Pastor D. Pastor D’s problem with alcoholism and gambling became obvious. I will not delve on this matter because this is not my focus in this write up.
On same year Miss J visited the Bible School where I was teaching looking for fellow missionary. Mind you, my first impression with Miss J was that she’s a giver. She brought me to the market and she bought fruits for me. She even gave me a “love gift” of around one hundred baht (approximately 4USD).
Once I visited Pastor JPB in Poipet and he brought me to a casino in Poipet to show me what is happending inside. Incidentally, he has a two meal coupons for a buffet meal in the casino.
It was where I met members of the Tres Gang. Tres Gang is, according to JPB, is an international gang which is all over south east asia. Reports say that their financier is Malaysian. And, Miss J was a member of that gang. Later on, Pastor D also became a member of the said gang and he changed his name to George. I also met in Poipet some more members of the gang. They are actually based in Bangkok but they frequent casinos in Poipet. Their modus operandi is that a lady member of the gang will befriend a caucasian tourist in Bangkok. Afterwards, she will invite the tourist to her house. A male member of the gang will be at her house and she will introduce him to the tourist as her brother. They will play cards inside the house. At first, they will let the tourist win. Then, through game manipulation the caucasian will loose all the succeeding games and all the money and all valuables he’s carrying. Then, a bunch of male members of the gang will arrive. And the girl will introduce them to the tourist as her relatives. Of course, the caucasian will give all that he has out of fear.
May - December Affair
Arghh! My sinful eyes and my sinful thoughts!
No, please don’t get me wrong. I am not into pornography. :-)
You see, I can’t help but to observe people as I go to different places. And one thing that I notice here in Cambodia is that I always see Cambodian young ladies together with Caucasian oldies. One cannot help but notice them because the girl is usually in her teens while her consort is probably septuagenarian if not octogenarian. Well, I am not saying that this set up is wrong. Even when I was just a teenager I already knew that I could fall in love with an oldy. (Luckily, I did not. hehehe). Now that the inevitable of becoming an old man is near I know that I can fall in love with a young girl. (Though this is not possible because I am already married. hehehe.) Mind you, I don’t want to sound cliche but I still believe in the dictum, “Age doesn’t matter”.
One thought keeps bugging me though. What is it in these old men that a young lass is an easy prey for them? Ummm… Let me think. Here are the possibilities.
1. (My conscience accusingly pointing a finger at me with a stern look.) You naughty! She is a just a caregiver in his employ. Theirs is just an employer-employee relationship.
ME: But is it natural for employers to hold hands with their employees?
2. Because of the gender ratio. We all know that there are 3 women for every man. So, Khmer girls don’t have an option but to look for older men.
ME: But why don’t they go with khmer older men instead?
3. With the experience of older men, they are better lovers than young lads.
ME: (nodding my head though this is just a possibility and there is no concrete study to support this supposition.)
4. Well….
What a heck! It should not be my concern anymore. It is their lives and I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, I am not comfortable writing about this because I may deal on a sensitive issue of racisim.
Arghh! Sorry for being too nosy!
No, please don’t get me wrong. I am not into pornography. :-)
You see, I can’t help but to observe people as I go to different places. And one thing that I notice here in Cambodia is that I always see Cambodian young ladies together with Caucasian oldies. One cannot help but notice them because the girl is usually in her teens while her consort is probably septuagenarian if not octogenarian. Well, I am not saying that this set up is wrong. Even when I was just a teenager I already knew that I could fall in love with an oldy. (Luckily, I did not. hehehe). Now that the inevitable of becoming an old man is near I know that I can fall in love with a young girl. (Though this is not possible because I am already married. hehehe.) Mind you, I don’t want to sound cliche but I still believe in the dictum, “Age doesn’t matter”.
One thought keeps bugging me though. What is it in these old men that a young lass is an easy prey for them? Ummm… Let me think. Here are the possibilities.
1. (My conscience accusingly pointing a finger at me with a stern look.) You naughty! She is a just a caregiver in his employ. Theirs is just an employer-employee relationship.
ME: But is it natural for employers to hold hands with their employees?
2. Because of the gender ratio. We all know that there are 3 women for every man. So, Khmer girls don’t have an option but to look for older men.
ME: But why don’t they go with khmer older men instead?
3. With the experience of older men, they are better lovers than young lads.
ME: (nodding my head though this is just a possibility and there is no concrete study to support this supposition.)
4. Well….
What a heck! It should not be my concern anymore. It is their lives and I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, I am not comfortable writing about this because I may deal on a sensitive issue of racisim.
Arghh! Sorry for being too nosy!
My Way
April 30, 2009. 11PM. Inside my room.
I was twitching in bed. I couldn’t sleep.
I really couldn’t understand. I really couldn’t believe it. How could that happen to me?
Two days before I was in an upbeat mood. And on that fateful day… Wham! My self-esteem hit rock bottom. What did I do wrong? I properly executed my plans. How come I was booted out of my job?
My students like me. In fact, they are very vocal about it. My co-teachers agree to that. I was always on time in submitting all my reports and grades. I’ve never been absent nor late. Suddenly, my school where I was teaching fired me.
“God, why did you allow this to happen to me? Don’t you see that I need this job not only to buy all my basic needs but also to boost my failing ego?” I was crying to Him in desperation and confusion.
I forced myself to sleep so that I could wake up early in the morning to look for work. I need to do everything and exert extra effort so that I can find a new job.
“Lord, I just need sleep please.”
The clock keeps on ticking. One o’clock. Two o’clock. I still couldn’t sleep.
In desperation, I reached out for my Bible. I knew reading can tire my eyes and can make me sleep. I didn’t have the intention of having my devotion. I just needed something to make me sleep.
I opened the Bible and read John 21.
I can relate with Peter. Peter was a fisherman. And for some reasons beyond his control he failed in his profession. He wasn’t able to catch even a single fish.
I was thinking, “Maybe he was wondering where he will get his next meal.” I smiled a bit. My money could only last for a week or two.
Possibly, Peter was thinking that God didn’t care for him. Or God was playing favorite.
“Ha! Ha! See, God, I am not alone in feeling this way? Did you not see that I did everything to be successful? I worked hard. Look at my CV. Modesty aside, I think that I am more equipped than those people whom you are blessing so much. It’s true, God. I did not flaunt to others all my research works, certificates and all.”
I was picturing Peter in my mind. Probably he was sitting in his boat. He looked so tired and haggard. And he was thinking that if there’s a God that God is an uncaring God. Probably, just probably, he was asking God if He knows what he’s feeling that night.
“God, do you know that I am feeling down now? I thought you are a caring and loving God? Do you know that I need to succeed because of recent setbacks in my life? I am tired, God. So tired.”
I came to verse 4. It says, “Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.” (NIV)
I guess Peter was so down that he did not recognize Jesus. His attention was focused in his miseries.
Then, Jesus asked them if they had any fish. Jesus asked them? Wow! He noticed. Jesus noticed. He cares.
And He knows Peter’s cares.
Jesus didn’t even wait for Peter to complain. Jesus did not wait for Peter to call His attention. He’s the one who initiated the conversation. He asked Peter first! Wow!
And so Peter acknowledged that he failed that day. He did not catch any fish.
And what did Jesus do?
He commanded Peter to throw the net on the right side of the boat. He told Peter what he should do. Yes, in Jesus’ way. In God’s way. Not in Peter’s way.
Jesus said, “ Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” (verse 6, NIV). He did not say, “Peter, would you like to throw your net on the left side of the boat?”
That’s the secret of it. We have to fully follow God’s will. His blueprint. His plan.
And what did Peter do?
Peter obeyed Jesus. No ifs and buts.
Result? He caught a lot of fish. Not just fish. But LARGE fish. (verse 11, NIV) He just followed God’s blueprint and he became successful. More than successful.
I was twitching in bed. I couldn’t sleep.
I really couldn’t understand. I really couldn’t believe it. How could that happen to me?
Two days before I was in an upbeat mood. And on that fateful day… Wham! My self-esteem hit rock bottom. What did I do wrong? I properly executed my plans. How come I was booted out of my job?
My students like me. In fact, they are very vocal about it. My co-teachers agree to that. I was always on time in submitting all my reports and grades. I’ve never been absent nor late. Suddenly, my school where I was teaching fired me.
“God, why did you allow this to happen to me? Don’t you see that I need this job not only to buy all my basic needs but also to boost my failing ego?” I was crying to Him in desperation and confusion.
I forced myself to sleep so that I could wake up early in the morning to look for work. I need to do everything and exert extra effort so that I can find a new job.
“Lord, I just need sleep please.”
The clock keeps on ticking. One o’clock. Two o’clock. I still couldn’t sleep.
In desperation, I reached out for my Bible. I knew reading can tire my eyes and can make me sleep. I didn’t have the intention of having my devotion. I just needed something to make me sleep.
I opened the Bible and read John 21.
I can relate with Peter. Peter was a fisherman. And for some reasons beyond his control he failed in his profession. He wasn’t able to catch even a single fish.
I was thinking, “Maybe he was wondering where he will get his next meal.” I smiled a bit. My money could only last for a week or two.
Possibly, Peter was thinking that God didn’t care for him. Or God was playing favorite.
“Ha! Ha! See, God, I am not alone in feeling this way? Did you not see that I did everything to be successful? I worked hard. Look at my CV. Modesty aside, I think that I am more equipped than those people whom you are blessing so much. It’s true, God. I did not flaunt to others all my research works, certificates and all.”
I was picturing Peter in my mind. Probably he was sitting in his boat. He looked so tired and haggard. And he was thinking that if there’s a God that God is an uncaring God. Probably, just probably, he was asking God if He knows what he’s feeling that night.
“God, do you know that I am feeling down now? I thought you are a caring and loving God? Do you know that I need to succeed because of recent setbacks in my life? I am tired, God. So tired.”
I came to verse 4. It says, “Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.” (NIV)
I guess Peter was so down that he did not recognize Jesus. His attention was focused in his miseries.
Then, Jesus asked them if they had any fish. Jesus asked them? Wow! He noticed. Jesus noticed. He cares.
And He knows Peter’s cares.
Jesus didn’t even wait for Peter to complain. Jesus did not wait for Peter to call His attention. He’s the one who initiated the conversation. He asked Peter first! Wow!
And so Peter acknowledged that he failed that day. He did not catch any fish.
And what did Jesus do?
He commanded Peter to throw the net on the right side of the boat. He told Peter what he should do. Yes, in Jesus’ way. In God’s way. Not in Peter’s way.
Jesus said, “ Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” (verse 6, NIV). He did not say, “Peter, would you like to throw your net on the left side of the boat?”
That’s the secret of it. We have to fully follow God’s will. His blueprint. His plan.
And what did Peter do?
Peter obeyed Jesus. No ifs and buts.
Result? He caught a lot of fish. Not just fish. But LARGE fish. (verse 11, NIV) He just followed God’s blueprint and he became successful. More than successful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
