Mater Dolorosa

(Few days before I wrote this story, I came across a book that says that almost all childen who are victims of incest will someday commit the same aggression.)

In this four-cornered room. I already spent eight days here. But for me it is just like eight years. Eight long years.

I was sentenced to stay here for life. The reason? I killed my father. What? Are you surprised? Are you asking why it is easyfor meto tell you that I killed my father? If you only know the reason why I killed him.

Can you not understand me? My father raped me! His life is not enough as payment for what he did to me.

I can no longer remember how many times he abused me. That is since I was a child until now that I am twenty-five.

Then, you will tell me that I should have done other things? Like Mrs. Ramos. Mrs. Ramos whois the social worker here in correctional for women. She told me that I should have informed the authorities instead. I can still remember the first time I met Mrs. Ramos.

“Hi, Gemma! I am Mrs. Ramos. Iam the social worker here.”

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Ramos.”

“How are you?”

I did not answer. First, I don’t want to lie. Second, I feel like she is insulting me. Is there anything good in prison?

“Do you want to see your mother?”

“No.” I was able to say this easily.

“Gemma, are you mad at your mom?”

I kept silent. Is she insulting me again?

“Why?”

“I was raped by my father because of her. She did not help me. She did noteven believe me.”

“Are you saying that you told your mom about it?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“I told you already. She did not believe me. She said that my father couldn’t do it. That is even if she caught my father once.”

“What did she do?”

“Nothing. She just turned away.”

“Then?”

“Then, I talked to her that night. I asked her if she is not angry. She said she is no. I blew my top. I got hysterical. That made her mad. She said that I should never attempt to gell anyone about it. It would only make our lives difficult. Our neighbors will just talk about us.”

“After that?”

“Why are you asking so many questions? I want to forget everything.”

“Gemma, we should not forget the past. We should accept the past.”

“What? Should I just accept that my father raped me? You are harsh, Mrs. Ramos. You are too harsh.”

“Gemma, we should accept the past so that we can learn from it.”

I did not reply. I am tired of explaining. I no longer have the strength to argue. Anyway, I am sure that she won’t understand.

Long silence. It was Mrs. Ramos who first broke it.

“Do you want to know how your son is ding?”

“My son, Mrs. Ramos? Where is my son? How is he? When will you bring him here? When can I see him?”

Mrs. Ramos just smiled at me.

“Mrs. Ramos, the court has decided that my son will live here with me. She needs me, Mrs. Ramos.”

“Gemma, he is already there outside.”

I am so glad. At last, I can have my son now. I wil ldo everything for us not to be separated again.

“Thank you, Mrs. Ramos.”

A baby was brought into my cell. He has an angelic face. A face that becomes more beautiful for it shows innocence. My son. I ran towards my son. I wanted to carry him. I wanted to hug him.

“Goodbye. I have to leave now, Gemma. You take care of your child.”

I just ignored Mrs. Ramos. All I know was that I wanted to hug my son. I did not even notice Mrs. Ramos go out of my cell. Though, after few minutes my son cried aloud. Perhaps he was hurt for I sucked his penis so hard.