A Reflection Paper Regarding Filipino Marriage and Pre-marital Issues

A Reflection Paper Regarding Filipino Marriage and Pre-marital Issues
by: Pablo Gravoso

The Filipino Concept of Marriage
It is a given fact that Filipinos do have a different way of looking at marital relationship compared to westerners and other Asians. Spousal relationship in the Philippines is not an equal alliance but unequal relationship wherein husbands are perceived and expected to lead while wives should be subject to him. The wives take a secondary role. The biblical concept where it is said that husbands should be the head of the household is taken by Filipinos as gospel truth which should never be violated.

It is also worth noting, and alarming that marital break up is on the rise. As one writer puts it, “(i)n the Philippines today, marital dissolution leading to family breakdown constitutes a major problem. From 1988 to 2000, it is estimated that over 44,000 men and women have filed for nullification of this marriages in Metro Manila… Although the nullification of marriage was considered to be deviant and socially undesirable in the past, it is rapidly becoming an alternative for people with problems in their marital relationship.” (Dayan, page 2)

It is also very evident that the Filipino concept of marriage is not between two individuals but between to families. In the Filipino setting, the husband did not only marry the wife but her whole clan. As such, the in-laws have so much to say in the lives of the newly wed. This even starts in the courtship stage. According to Dr. Medina, “(i)n the Philippines, traditional courtship was participated in or controlled by parents and other kinsmen. This system was rooted in the Filipino view that marriage was a union not only of two individuals but also primarily of their families.” (Medina, page 79)

Dr. Dayan added, “What makes the situation more complicated is when in-laws become part of the problem or sometimes even the cause of it. There are cases when parents, in their desire to help out, end up meddling in the lives of their married children, but this usually results in more problems.” (Dayan, page 43)

It is very common here in the Philippines for a couple to get married at a young age. Considering that the unemployment rate in this country is high, it is doubly hard for them to get employed and to be financially independent from their parents. This is one indirect cause why extended family is prevalent here. As much as the couples want to separate from their parents, their financial dependency does not permit them to do so. To quote Dr. Dayan, “(t)here is the immaturity of marrying at a young age and being without a job to assure financial security. The ‘solution’ to their predicament, which is living with either partner’s parents, soon become the ‘problem’ when the in-laws become snoopy, give unsolicited advice, or cause a son/daughter to remain permanently dependent on them.” (Dayan, page 56)

Living with the in-laws is not perceived here as a problem. In fact, it is well accepted fact or norm that newly wed should live near the in-laws. Such setting, on the contrary, is perceived as positive where family closeness is cherished. In the Philippines, we see extended family as healthy and should be emulated. Because of this, the spouse should endure any emotional hardship for the sake of the unity of the extended family. “No matter how seriously the wife has been hurt, everyone knows that mother-in-law’s trouble is not enough reason for the break up of marriage.” (Lapuz, page 58)
Presumably, “…all Filipino couples have to contend with in-law problems, if only to a small extent. They are very much part of the scene. But not all such problems become a major threat to the wife’s equanimity or the stability of the marriage.” (Lapuz, page 56)

The Biblical Principle of Leaving and Cleaving
The Bible teaches us that in marriage, the spouse should leave his or her parents and be one with the husband or wife. “A man and woman enter into marriage out of their own chouse and by their own effort determine its failure and success.” (Miranda-Feliciano, page 106) This is always overlooked in the Filipino marriage. The economic (especially when the couple don’t have jobs) and social (society tells us that it is good to be united with the family of origin) reasons make this impossible.

The Filipino family is characterized by enmeshment. Being detached is perceived as negative. But this poses a problem in any couple’s relationship. “Prolonged dependency on one’s parents diminishes the chances to develop one’s capacity to relate fully to another person. The commitment is still to one’s parents, which always be tinged with its origins from dependency, thereby inhibiting the development of autonomy.” (Lapuz, page 63)

It is a commonly accepted truth that a triangulated relationship is dysfunctional while a dyadic relationship is healthy. In a triangulated relationship, usually, one of the couple is usually allied to the third person. For example, the wife usually allies with her parents against the husband or vis-à-vis. This makes the relationship unequal and unhealthy.

In my counseling sessions with couples, the usual presenting problems is their spouses. The Identified Patient usually is the spouse. But as the counseling sessions go on, it becomes more evident that the real issue is the triangulated relationship between the couple and in-law.

In most cases, because the in-laws have the means to support the newly wed, they wield a great amount of power. They usually decide for everything because they hold the purse. In Filipino Children Under Stress, Dr. Carandang explains how the person who holds the power in the family becomes the source of problem. She gives the case of the dominant lola and the financier-aunt as examples of dysfunctional families. She even said, “(i)n our extended family system , the child can get lost and may have a difficult time finding a wat to be recognized as a unique person.” (Carandang, page 7) In the same way, the spouse can also loose her significance and meaning in such a family setting.

Suggestions for Counseling Filipino Couples
As a pastor or a Christian counselor, I must lead the couple to the idea that a healthy relationship is dyadic. I should guide them to the biblical truth that God designed marriage as a union of two individuals. Though we must learn how to respect our parents there must be boundaries set between the couple and their family of origin.

It is also advisable, if possible, to include the in-laws in some sessions for them to understand the biblical and healthy way of leave and cleave. The use of genogram is also very helpful in marriage and pre-marital counseling in the Filipino setting because of the given fact that in our culture marriage is not only the union of two individuals but of two extended families.

It is equally important too to reiterate that the biblical concept of marriage is not ownership but partnership. Both spouses should be equal and both be responsible for actions taken by both of them. This is especially needed in today’s situation where both must be working in order to survive economically. The fact that, usually, it is no longer the husband who is the sole breadwinner of the family supports the rationale that there must be equality between the couple.

To conclude, Filipino pastor or counselor should look at our unique culture and see it as a challenge to harness the couples relationship for it to be more functional. It is not bad to help change the worldview of the couple since worldview (or culture) is dynamic. We have to be a catalyst for the Filipino marriage to be healthy.

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Sources:

Carandang, Maria Lourdes. Filipino Children Under Stress. Quezon City: Ateneo De Manila Press. 1987

Dayan, Natividad, et al. Marriage Made On Earth. Manila: De La Salle University Press. 2001

Lapuz, Lourdes. Filipino Marriage in Crisis. Quezon City: New Day Publishers. 1977

Medina, Belen. The Filipino Family. Quezon City: University of the Philippines Press. 2001

Miranda – Feliciano, Evelyn. Love, Sex, and Marriage. Manila: OMF Literature, Inc. 1975