Soiree With Students

I really enjoyed my time yesterday! The school where i am teaching had a students' field trip. of course, I always join activities of my students.

we went to Praset Mountain.

what I really enjoyed is dancing the rorm with my students. Rorm is another traditional cambodian dance. they dance it during parties.

I explained to my students that I joined them in dancing the rorm because i want them to be proud and to take care of their culture.

i am tired now so i will rest now and tell you more about this as soon as I regain my strength.

bye for now.

Chili

I hate chili.

Some like chili. I do recognize it. But never in my life did I like chili.

Of course, chili can do a lot of things. It can warm one's body. It can improve your appetite. But it can also create havoc in your life.

And right now I am cursing myself for munching a red hot chili. Why am I doing this to myself? Is it a manifestation of being a masochist? Or am I just punishing myself for making a wrong decision. A wrong decision of falling for him.

You see, I am too old for mushy stuff. I don't want to concern myself with romantic things. Love is only for teenagers. I am a professional. I must know which are important and which are not. I must concern myself only with important things.

So, the first time I look at him I told myself that I will never fall for him. Why should a forty year old professional who traveled to a lot of countries fall for 21 year old teenager?

Yet, the first time I saw him I fell in love with him. His sweet smile. His innocent look. His angelic face.

Yes, the first time I saw him I was damning myself for I am really smitten by his innocence. Damn! Can I not see? If I will fall for him I will only be in the world of make believe. How can a handsome young man fall for a forty year old spinster? That's craziness.

You see, I was confident of myself before. I thought I could ward off this feeling. And so I thought. it wasn't easy. His face sticks in my memory. Like a virus that keeps pestering my hard disk. I wish I could just buy an anti-virus program and remove all infected files in my brain. But that's an impossibility.

How can I? He is really the nicest boy I know. He doesn't guffaw like others. He is well-behaved as a teenager.

He doesn't pester me unlike other boys.

In fact, I was the one who wanted to pester him. I want to tell him a lot of things. I want to tell him how much I care. But I can't. I don't have the strength to. Damn me! I am again damning myself because there were opportunities that I could respond positively to him.

Once he hold my hand. I guess it was his way of showing his affection to me. Maybe not romantic. You know, affection of a son to a mother. Or of a nephew to an aunt. Or whatever. But I distanced myself from him. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid that what's happening is just a make-believe. Just a wishful thinking.

But now I am cursing myself because I cannot deny the fact that I fell deeply in love with him. I cannot take my heart and my mind away from him.

Just like the feeling when you are munching chili. The burning sensation in your mouth that you want to remove by gulping glasses and glasses of water. The same burning sensation in your mouth which you are looking for even if it causes pain.

And just like that burning sensation my feeling for him cannot be quenched.

Maybe I just have to endure it. And in time it will go away.

I really hate chili.

Tidbits of Ideas

Introspection.That's what I cannot do without. I always have to think about things. About life. About conversation. About anything and anyone.
This will contain tidbits of my ideas as I ponder about things.
Here it is. :-)
;-)
:-(
1. It dawned upon me that distrust is a universal phenomenon. Man is by nature a doubting person. Not that he doubts his existence just like when Rene Descartes doubted his to prove his existence. (Remember Cogito Ergo Sum?) What I mean by doubt here is distrust. Man distrust his fellow human being. I will give you an example to prove my case. I've known the church I am attending now thru my former student (let us name him PERSON A) in Banteay Meanchey. My student introduced me to one of his filipino colleagues who is a missionary (Let us say he is PERSON B). PERSON B invited me to attend the church. Now, there was this guy (let us call him PERSON C) who talked to his friends about me. PERSON C said that they should watch over me because they don't know me. PERSON C said that the church should be cautious about me since they do not know where I am from. In short, PERSON C is suspecting that I am a con man bent on bleeding the church.
I've tried reaching out to PERSON C in spite of the negative things he says at my back.
Lately, I noticed that PERSON C is becoming nice to me. He talks to me often. What's my response? Just simple and short niceties. You know, short talk. I don't intend to have a closer and deeper friendship with him. The reason is I think that I should be more cautious. For I wonder what else he can do to destroy my reputation if he can speak negatively at my back when he doesn't know me yet.
2. It is also innate for man to think highly of himself. The same guy (PERSON C) talked to me yesterday and he generalized all the schools and students here in Cambodia as worst. Of course, I have to tell him that his experience might not be what I am experiencing now. I completely assured him that I am happy now with my present school. He really looks condescendingly to locals here.
3. People tend to look at outward appearance. People tend to judge others by the way they look and dress. Sorry for them. I prefer to be in tees and jeans. :-) You see, I really feel uneasy wearing ties and all that. I only wear ties in my work because that's our uniform.
What I believe is that we cannot say that a person is bum if he is wearing old and tattered clothes as much as we cannot say that a man in suit is dignified. I think that most con men dress to the nines. Right? And, by the way, demons sometimes appear like angels.
Therefore, know thyself and be respectful of others. Who knows, the beggar that will cross your path maybe the person who will save your life later.

Discouragers

If there is one thing that this world is full of that would be "discouragers".
i remember when I was then jobless and I was asking some members of the church to pray for my job hunting. I, of course, told them that I am convinced that my talent is in teaching.
Two members of the church which I was attending said, "Jun, you can't find a job in school. You don't have a master's degree. Why don't you find work in factories here?"
Another one said, "You should not work in schools here in Cambodia because schools pay very little and salary is always late."
Now, I wish that these people, with all their sincerity will eat their words. I am teaching in one of the "good" schools here in Cambodia. And the school that I am teaching now pays really well.
Why is it that people have this tendency to belittle others? Even Christians do have that tendency.
They have this idea that one is wanting to befriend them because that someone wants to get something from them. I experienced and is experiencing this.
Now, I just tell myself that it is not my loss. It is their loss. They don't know me.
Never did I want to be close to someone because I want to get something from them. In fact, I got my job without anybody's help. Some church people asked me to give them copies of my resume. I did. But they weren't able to help me in getting my job.
Maybe thru prayers they did. Nothing more.
What pisses me off is that most Christians are proud of themselves. They think highly of themselves. They see themselves as important. Indespensable.
Well, I'd rather be with people who are lowly. That's what the poem Dessiderata says.
Moral of the lesson? Cherish people are humble. Do not mingle with the proud. As Dessiderata says, "they are vexation to the spirit

Funny! Funny! Funny!

A funny thing happened to me yesterday. One of my students approached me and told me, "Teacher, I can't understand your pronunciation. Please speak like an American." (Actually, she said that with incorrect grammar. What she actually said was, "Can't understand teacher pronunciation. Please speak American."
Imagine? A Cambodian teenager who is having difficulty constructing even a simple sentence is asking me to speak like an American!
What struck me more is that she said it seriously. She was not joking. She was dead serious!
I replied, "I am a Filipino. I am not an American. I've been to seven countries already. And I haven't had difficulty interacting with others in English. People I talked to understood me well (I suppose)! I had interactions with American missionaries and some of my former teachers in Philippine Baptist Theological Seminary are Americans. So, I guess, my pronunciation is acceptable. You can stop me during lectures if you can't understand what I am saying and I will explain it clearly and slowly."
Come to think of it, it is not about whether I am good or not in English. It is about the color of my skin! It is because I am brown! You see, we have black people teaching here. They are from Sudan, Zimbabwe and Nigeria. Students never complain about their pronunciation. Is my pronunciation bad as compared to other teachers? I guess not.
It is just that I am brown and they look at their own color condescendingly. They think that blacks and caucasians are better than brown people.
What should I do then?
Nothing.
I can't do anything.
Changing their perspective is a gargantuan task.
Just endure their "colonial mentality" or "alienating culture"". The culture that says that mine is worst and others are excellent.
What a sad fate for the brown race.

Christian Communism

We are having a party now. Classes just ended and we are having potluck. Students brought food. Really lots of food! Pizzas. Fried chicken. etc.
Imagine! My students who are merely teenagers can afford to buy those food? Wow! I don't even have the guts to go to that famous pizza parlor!
It dawned upon me that there really is a gargantuan difference between the rich and the poor here. A regular factory worker, a policeman or a public school teacher here only earns around two dollars a day. While my students can spend 3 dollars for food for a two-hour party?
Two days ago while I was on my way to school a car stopped in front of me. When I look at the driver's seat I saw one of my students. Imagine? Barely a teenager and he has his own car? While the per capita income in Cambodia is 500 dollars per annum. Wow!
I was reminded of the lifestyle during the pentecost. Christians sold their properties and distributed the proceeds among all Christians. Rich and poor. No descriminations.
I asked myself: Is it possible to have that equality? Is it similar to communism espoused by Mao Tse Tung and Karl Marx? Can we apply biblical truth in interpreting Des Kapital?
I believe that the Bible teaches equality not only in status but in material position. I believe that the true christian community is the one which there is no great divide between the rich and the poor.
Where selfish ambition is inexistent. Where bourgeois capitalism is nil.
Now, that is what true christianity is.

Rottenness of Men

My sister forwarded to me an e-mail about prioritizing love more than wealth and happiness.
I beg to disagree.
Such idea is utopian but it is not what is happening.
In my 38 years of existence here on earth I've learned that most people will love you if you are successful in society's standard.
As a concrete example, my relatives are gravitating toward our family because my sister and my brothers are quite successful. While our cousins who remain poor are the enemies and the outcasts of the whole clan.
if we will examine our extended family dynamics, my cousins and other distant relatives connect or relate more with my brothers and sisters than to me. Maybe because I have not been materially successful.
This is a sad fate but this is a reality. Our extended family dynamics is I think a microcosm of the whole society.
But, hey, there are still some (or a handful of) people who make friendship or relationship as an end-in-itself and not just a means-to-an-end. I know one. Her name is Geny. As I get to know her little by little it dawned upon me that she is a friend who concerns herself of what not she can get from her friends. She concerns herself of how she can be a blessing to them.
The other night she asked me if she can bring me water because I utterred to her during our small talk that I need to pass by a store for I no longer have water.
Of course, Geny is not perfect. Nobody is! She has her own shortcomings or fallenness. But those negatives can be ignored because of her big heart.
Though Geny is one of a kind. She is rare. Seldom we can find a person like her.
What should be our philosophy then?
Live and let live.
Accept the rottenness of man. Live like a rock. Live like an island. And treasure true friends like Geny. They seldom come.