Chili

I hate chili.

Some like chili. I do recognize it. But never in my life did I like chili.

Of course, chili can do a lot of things. It can warm one's body. It can improve your appetite. But it can also create havoc in your life.

And right now I am cursing myself for munching a red hot chili. Why am I doing this to myself? Is it a manifestation of being a masochist? Or am I just punishing myself for making a wrong decision. A wrong decision of falling for him.

You see, I am too old for mushy stuff. I don't want to concern myself with romantic things. Love is only for teenagers. I am a professional. I must know which are important and which are not. I must concern myself only with important things.

So, the first time I look at him I told myself that I will never fall for him. Why should a forty year old professional who traveled to a lot of countries fall for 21 year old teenager?

Yet, the first time I saw him I fell in love with him. His sweet smile. His innocent look. His angelic face.

Yes, the first time I saw him I was damning myself for I am really smitten by his innocence. Damn! Can I not see? If I will fall for him I will only be in the world of make believe. How can a handsome young man fall for a forty year old spinster? That's craziness.

You see, I was confident of myself before. I thought I could ward off this feeling. And so I thought. it wasn't easy. His face sticks in my memory. Like a virus that keeps pestering my hard disk. I wish I could just buy an anti-virus program and remove all infected files in my brain. But that's an impossibility.

How can I? He is really the nicest boy I know. He doesn't guffaw like others. He is well-behaved as a teenager.

He doesn't pester me unlike other boys.

In fact, I was the one who wanted to pester him. I want to tell him a lot of things. I want to tell him how much I care. But I can't. I don't have the strength to. Damn me! I am again damning myself because there were opportunities that I could respond positively to him.

Once he hold my hand. I guess it was his way of showing his affection to me. Maybe not romantic. You know, affection of a son to a mother. Or of a nephew to an aunt. Or whatever. But I distanced myself from him. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid that what's happening is just a make-believe. Just a wishful thinking.

But now I am cursing myself because I cannot deny the fact that I fell deeply in love with him. I cannot take my heart and my mind away from him.

Just like the feeling when you are munching chili. The burning sensation in your mouth that you want to remove by gulping glasses and glasses of water. The same burning sensation in your mouth which you are looking for even if it causes pain.

And just like that burning sensation my feeling for him cannot be quenched.

Maybe I just have to endure it. And in time it will go away.

I really hate chili.